Should my child attend the funeral?
Too often, children and teens feel like the "forgotten mourners." They are seen but not heard or even spoken to at a funeral. What they often get is a pat on the head, or hugs from adults they don't know. Many adults still wonder if it's a good idea to include children in funerals at all. Every family has its own traditions and beliefs, and these will play a strong role in funeral and memorial service planning. In addition, one of the most helpful things parents can do for their children during this time is to give them choices. Children appreciate having choices as much as adults do. They have opinions, and want to be heard. Children don't like being left out of anything, even a funeral. It is a meaningful and important experience for children to have the opportunity to say goodbye to the person who died in a way that feels right to them. Saying goodbye is never easy, but it helps bring a sense of finality to the death that is helpful in the healing process.
People often wonder at what age a child should attend a funeral. Age is not the most important consideration. Generally speaking, young children don't seem to have the fear of the deceased or dead bodies adults think they do. It is important to invite children or teenagers to the funeral, without forcing them to make a particular decision. Children who are not allowed to attend a funeral may feel they didn't get their chance to say goodbye. On the other hand, children who were forces to attend a funeral may feel resentful. Children should not be criticized if they don't want to attend the funeral. They may regret the decisions they make, but they won't have the added issues of resentment for not being allowed to make their own choice.
In order to make a choice, children need explanations and information about what a funeral is and what is going to happen. After a death, the world as they know it is completely changed. Additional surprises and unfamiliar situation can complicate the grieving process. Not unlike adults, kids like to be filled in on the basics of who, what, where, when and why. They expect us to be clear, direct and concrete in our explanations. They are experts at discerning when adults are beating around the bush. When explaining the events of a funeral to a child, it's best to "tell it like it is." Typical aspects of the funeral that may be discussed include: Who will be at the funeral or memorial service? What is going to happen? Where will the service take place? When will the funeral happen? Why are we doing this?
Some choices are harder to make than others. For example, many parents are uncomfortable with the idea of a child viewing the body of the deceased. Typically, parents or caregivers ask: "Won't children be traumatized if that is the last image they have in their mind?" This is an even greater concern when the person who died is disfigured. Often, they are also making theses decision under time pressure and during a time of great emotional stress. An outside expert, such as funeral director, can coach parents or caregivers on how to include children in such a decision.
For example, on the topic of viewing, it's helpful for grieving parents to consider the fact that kids have big imaginations. Often, their fantasy picture of what the body looks like may be worse or more frightening than the reality. They are also curious. Viewing the body may also help them understand the reality that the person is dead.
On the other hand, some children may opt not to view the body. They need to know that this decision is respected even if other family members choose differently. As with other aspects of the funeral and burial, children need explanation of what they an expect to see and experience if they view the body. They need permission to choose, and the reassurance that whatever they decide is okay. Below is a list of important facts a child might want to know before choosing to view a body:
The body...
is in an open or a partially open casket
is cool in temperature
doesn't move
can't talk and doesn't see you
won't come back to life
may be puffed up
may have markings, etc. from injury or illness
will look and feel different than the person did before the death
may have a different smell
Children and teenagers can also be involved in planning different aspects of the service, including choosing flowers, decorations, special readings, music selections, or writing their own remembrance. Some families may choose to put together a video or photographs of the person who died. Another tradition families may have is creating a memorabilia table with special objects which remind them of the person who died, such as sports gear, pictures, clothing, or other belongings of the person.
Here is a list of some possible decisions children can help make around the time of the funeral or memorial service. They may choose to be involved or want nothing to do with these activities. Either choice is acceptable: Attending or not attending the service, selecting the casket, deciding whether or not to view the body, choosing special objects to put in the casket, choosing which clothes the deceased will wear, choosing the grave marker and what will be written on it, picking out the urn for the cremated remains, choosing the location to spread the ashes, selecting the burial site, selecting flowers/music/readings for the service, participating in the service, closing the casket for the last time, or being involved in that process.
After the service, whether or not children attend or participate, it's important to remember that they still want to have choices. Some of these include: Would you like to sleep at home or elsewhere tonight? What possessions, if any, would you like to keep that belonged to the person who died? When do you think you'll be ready to return to school? Do you want to see the cremated remains? Would you like to see the death certificate or the obituary? Would you like to talk to other kids about your grief in a support group? How would you like to memorialize the person wo died on the anniversary of the death or on their birthday?
What happens, or doesn't happen, at a funeral will be remembered forever by a child. Parents, friends, and funeral directors have the opportunity to positively influence a child's experience through the advice given to parents, and through including children in the one way they most deserve and request: informed choice.
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